We are a transracial family.
What does that mean? It means that not all our family members have the same skin color. We have different family histories and different roots to our family tree, but as soon as our children came into our lives we became a family. The 6 of us walk into a restaurant and it’s inevitable that we get stares. At the grocery store everyone wants to know our “story”, but being a transracial family doesn’t make us any less of a FAMILY.
I think my oldest daughter noticed the skin difference right away. She was four years old when the three of them walked into our life and spent a lot of time holding our hands and staring at my husband and I’s fingers. Our love is so strong for our oldest three. We had prayed so hard to have children and those trials and waiting made our love so strong for our children that it doesn’t matter one bit that our skin isn’t the same color. The only time I really notice a difference is when I am trying to do their hair and have no idea what I am doing or how other moms get their little girls hair so shiny. Any other time I am color blind. No two families look alike anyways, ours is just more colorful! But when the kids come home with tears that kids said hurtful things about their hair or their skin color I become an angry momma bear at those kids who hurt mine.
I’ve walked into the kid’s classroom before and heard kids whisper “is that her mom?” or you get the second and third glances from a kid and they say “are you their REAL mom?” Those words sting even as a mother and the grown up. The kids aren’t trying to be hurtful, they are just not educated that all families are not made the same nor do they all look the same.
{“The skin you live in” written by: Michael Tyler}
The first couple of months of preschool were going smoothly for Rosetta until one day she came home in tears saying that a little boy wouldn’t play with her because her skin wasn’t peach. This momma bear wanted to charge back to school and have a talking to with this little boy, but I knew that wasn’t going to help. They are preschoolers and they are programmed to point out things that are different. I wanted to shield my daughter from any of this racism even as innocent as it was, so we started having more dialogue at home about being different and how it’s okay. “You are beautiful just the way you are!” is one of our favorite sayings. We found many children’s books about skin color and started reading them and showing our children that the world isn’t just black and white.
I hear my kids often tell me that they wish they had peach skin. And I always reply “I wish I had chocolate skin because it is beautiful!” I really do. I go on and on about how my favorite thing in the world (after them) is chocolate and I could just eat them up, followed by some cookie-monster -like munching sounds. This usually gets all of us to laugh and giggle and for them to know that mommy loves their chocolate skin. We use the language chocolate and vanilla to talk about skin color. Many of the children’s books we have about skin color describe skin color in so many yummy ways. Cinnamon spice skin, coffee skin, vanilla frosting skin, the tasty shades of skin can go on and on. Just looking at our doll baby collection we have at least a dozen different skin types. My kids have the most beautiful chocolate skin. They don’t have to worry about looking pale in a swimsuit and can pull off wearing yellow because it looks fantastic against their dark skin. (I wish I could wear more yellow, it is my favorite color!) I try really hard to make them feel good about the skin they are in. They are different and unique and that’s okay. It’s more than okay, it’s awesome.
I think my son was a little older when he discovered the difference in skin color. The day he came to the hospital to meet his baby sister, I believe, is the moment he realized his skin was different than ours. I think he truly believed (since him and his sisters are black) that mommy was going to have a baby that looks just like him. When she came out all pink and had stick straight light brown hair like mommy and daddy, he took a step back. It took him a few days to process this. He didn’t get close to his baby sister right away and asked lots of questions. We had always had an open conversation about adoption because obviously, most people can tell that I didn’t give birth to all my kids. We talk about how their other mommy had them in her tummy and that she gave birth to them in a hospital just like mommy did Lily. After the initial shock of how his little sister looked wore off, he couldn’t have loved her more. The love they have for one another as brother and sister is priceless, and it doesn’t matter one bit what color skin any of us has. Our skin could be purple or green, but we would still be a family.
Are you teaching your children to be accepting of people no matter how they look, talk, or walk?
Lynn, thank you so much for sharing!! This is beautifully written and such an important concept to be taught at such a young age. The other thing we always talk about beyond skin color at our house, is the “roles” of boys versus girls. My daughter will often hear, you can’t do that because you are a girl, and we remind her that you can do anything regardless of if you are a boy or girl. Boys can wear ponytails, girls CAN shave their head. It may not be my preference, but it’s for her to decide, not the world
Oh yes, the roles of boys vs. girls. That gets talked about in our house too! I am not sure I would let my girls shave their head though.
This is a fantastic article. My mixed daughter is 1 now and friends of mine have had similar challenges. I have struggled with how I will explain why she looks different than other kids when the time comes.
Oh I understand Colleen. I used to find myself after introducing my kids blubbering out “and the three oldest are adopted.” Just to explain why we look different. It has taken me awhile not to feel like I have to explain why our family looks the way it looks.
I love this. So cool to see how you handle it and talk about it openly with your kids, especially because we want to adopt from Kenya (or somewhere internationally) someday and know we will have to deal with these issues too! You’re such a good momma bear. =)